Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
I learned a very valuable lesson about love today. Stay with me; it's a little random.
Anyone who knows me know that I don't often have an easy time just letting life happen to me. I like to be in control, and I love to conquer whatever challenge is in front of me. I've been a little down on myself these past couple of days because I feel so out of control: I haven't been able to control my diet or push past my waning energy level, and more often than not I've found myself laying on the couch in my comfy pants just trying not to toss my cookies (if you know what I mean). Not exactly how I pictured "conquering pregnancy." I thought I would always look put together, that I would still keep up my intense workout routine and would only be eating organic fruits, vegetables and meats. And loving every minute of it. I thought this would be a piece of cake.
This process is so precious to me, especially because my husband and I have been trying for a year and a half to have a baby. It's been a long, grueling process, made even more difficult by a 6-month period where he was training on-the-job two states away. Talk about stressful. And I've been consumed with my perceived overwhelming responsibility to keep this baby thriving as it develops inside me. What a task!
My mom said something the week before I found out I was pregnant that changed things for me. (I had just gotten a false negative on a pregnancy test and was a basket case.) She said, "Courtney, do you believe that God gives life? That He's the Creator of life, and everything comes from Him?" I weakly replied through my sobs, "I guess so." And she kindly said, "Then you have to trust Him and His timing, and let this go."
So I did. And five days later, I got confirmation that we were having a baby.
I was ultimately able to let go of my desire to control the timing and circumstances under which we got pregnant. However, letting go of the need to control how healthy this baby is has been a little harder. But God is not only the Giver of life; He also sustains it. That's not my responsibility, either.
The thing I learned about love today is that it really does give grace when needed. It's not about rules regarding unpasteurized dairy and listeria-laden cold cuts. It's not about making sure I eat all the 12 necessary foods/day from the pregnancy diet list. It's about grace and trust. Giving myself the grace to let go and trusting God enough to sustain the life that's within me.
I say all this to say that I broke down today and got a prescription for the persistent sickness. I've been putting it off because I didn't want to admit that I was a wuss, and I was afraid to put anything that wasn't natural inside my body for fear of the side effects. But I decided that love for our baby means that I take care of myself first, so that I am capable to care for those I love in return.
And five minutes after I took the first dose, I felt 100% better. I was able to eat a full meal and keep it down with no problem. Amazing. I don't know why I waited this long!
On another note, my prince of a husband surprised me with the most beautiful hot pink tulips today! It was a very happy ending to a relief of a day.